Saltburn, Strictly Come Dancing and the Big Brother finale
Presenting the gayest things about Emerald Fennell's new movie
Look, obviously everything feels culturally insignificant while we’re on the cusp of GIRLS ACTUAL ALOUD, but for what it’s worth, let’s dive in to what other pop culture has been keeping me occupied this week…
The five gayest things in Saltburn, ranked
Saltburn is fucking wild.
You probably don’t need to be told that. You probably saw the words ‘starring Barry Keoghan’ and already figured it out (shout-out to fellow survivors of The Killing of a Sacred Deer). But it bears repeating.
One of the things that struck me, though, was that it actually isn’t as… well, gay as I was expecting from the online chatter. And yet! In some ways, it is gay. Very gay. The ‘Sophie Ellis-Bextor’s on the soundtrack’/’Lolly Adefope has a fun cameo’ sort of gay. So here are the Top 5 ways in which it proves itself to be OFI (Of Homosexual Interest):
5) The literal gay sex stuff
The very brief scene of actual gay sexual activity between Keoghan and Archie Madekwe is the least gay of all the gay things in this movie. Honourable mentions must also go to the sexual but completely batshit moments like that graveside scene and that scene with the bath water. (I would like to discuss the bath water scene with other people who have seen it; but at the same time I would like to Eternal Sunshine it from my brain forevermore).
4) Rosamund Pike, generally
She’s playing an unbearably posh and privileged white woman and she is LOVING it. It’s camp!
3) The Jacob Elordi of it all
The star of Euphoria and Priscilla has become even more Internet Famous over the last few weeks - he’s had an EvanRossKatzification and everything - and you know what? Fair play! All hail our new tall king. (Shout-out also to his excellent Posh Brit accent).
2) The final scene
I won’t spoil it. But if you want a mild hint at what it entails, see this post.
1) The Cheeky Girls
Envisage me alone in Picturehouse Central thusly:
Yes, the Popstars: The Rivals icons can be heard, at an eardrum-burstingly loud volume, during a party scene that takes place at Christmas 2006.
If you’re anything like me (millennial; cigarette-emoji), you won’t be paying the slightest bit of attention to what’s happening on-screen in that moment because you’ll be so distracted by the fact that Have A Cheeky Christmas is part of a film that’s probably going to get one hell of an Oscars push (it’s currently 14/1 for Best Picture with Paddy Power, while Keoghan is 13/2 for Best Actor and Fennell is 14/1 for Best Director).
Of all the songs from all the artists from all the pre-2006 eras… the fact this one was chosen?! Divine. And extremely gay.
Other Christmas songs I would like to hear in awards-season-friendly dramas: Love Me Like You (Christmas Mix) by Little Mix; The Little Drummer Boy by Jessica and Ashlee Simpson; Driving Home For Christmas by Stacey Solomon.
Who the hell is going to make the Strictly final?!
From the second he was first announced as part of the cast, I was so loudly, arrogantly confident that Bobby Brazier would win Strictly Come Dancing that I find myself in a right goddamn TIZZY that he was in the Bottom Two over Blackpool weekend.
He’s not the bookies’ favourite anymore - that mantle was actually passed to Ellie Leach a couple of weeks ago - but the fact he’s now down to FOURTH (per Oddschecker) is wild to me. With the early exit of Amanda Abbington, there will only be three couples in the final on December 16 - is there now a very good chance he won’t be there?!
I’m stunned. Shaken. Flabbergasted. Granted, he still hasn’t had a big, spectacular breakthrough ~moment, despite impressive consistency. But I would never in a thousand-million years have guessed he’d land in the Dance Off before Layton Williams (more prior experience), Nigel Harman (not as twinky) and Angela Scanlon (also not as twinky). What’s also surprising is that on Saturday he had the exact same judges’ score as Annabel Croft, but it was her who clearly proved more popular with the public (and fair enough!).
So who will be in the final? You’d assume Ellie and Vito have enough popularity to easily go all the way. Layton, meanwhile, should be able to pull through any given Dance-Off, just like Ashley Roberts - who faced similar ‘you’re already a literal pro!’ claims - did in 2018. (Roberts, for what it’s worth, landed in her first Dance Off in Week 10… which is ahead of us this weekend. She faced every subsequent Dance Off until the final).
I’d be happy with that - Ellie and Vito are bringing enough joy to be worthy winners (let’s also not pretend Vito isn’t unfathomably hot!!!), and Layton and Nikita’s routines are just SO exciting to watch. Layton may have worked for Matthew actual Bourne, but he’s clearly pushing himself. And who’s not in the market for a Nikita imperial phase?!
As for who’ll get the third spot, that feels like more of a question mark. Nigel Harman is probably the safe bet, but if it’s not going to be Bobby (and let’s not get carried away here; it still could be!), I’d love to see Angela Scanlon make it to the finish line. Her Blackpool routine was awesome, and doesn’t she just seem really cool? But like, ‘cool’ in the nice way? Lots to be said for that!
The *real* winner of Big Brother is…
…the way AJ Odudu says ‘SWURRRRRR’.
But also it is us! The Big Brother stans of yore!
The new season was, on the whole, a big success: solid ratings, constant talking points, a concise runtime of six weeks, tense public votes, and - most impressively - it made Twitter/“X” somewhat worthwhile again.
Jordan wasn’t my choice of winner (Yinrun coming FOURTH?! Someone needs to go to jail for that) but he certainly makes a lot of sense as a vintage Big Brother ~character, and ITV must surely be happy with the way the whole run has gone down.
Will it all go up in flames with the Celebrity revival next year? For that, we shall have to wait and see.
And furthermore…
I caught the first episode of the revived Deal or No Deal today, and while it obviously loses a bit of its charmingly unhinged nature without Noel Edmonds, it really is one of the greatest quiz show formats ever, isn’t it?!
Shall we just give Ginger Johnson the Drag Race UK crown now…?
Mollie King’s new podcast about British girlbands is a fun listen - on BBC Sounds in commuter-friendly chunks. Although I really don’t know if I can forgive her calling Jade Ewen ‘Jade Ewens’.
Last week I got to see my favourite teenage album, Ready To Run by Sinead Quinn, in all its glory (yes, every song!!!!!) courtesy of a one-off gig she played in St Albans to mark its 20th(!) anniversary. I’ll say it again: one of THE most under-rated albums of the 2000s!! May we all manifest an imminent Pride/Hoopla ara.
A bop to finish
I only recently got into Renée Rapp, so the arrival of a Deluxe Edition featuring this wonderful song is most pleasing to me: